They say I should write a book

I understand that when people say, "You should write a book," they mean, "I enjoy your writing. I enjoy it enough that I would read an entire book full of it. I think other people would enjoy a book full of your writing as well, and perhaps even pay money for it." But what I hear is: "Why the hell aren't you writing a book, you big loser? You are squandering your God-given talent!"

For much of my life, I expected to write a book. When I was about 12, and changed my name to Su Penn, a librarian who was very important to me said, "Wow, that is going to look really good on the cover of a book someday," and I thought that she had somehow miraculously divined this secret ambition I'd had for as long as I could remember. I also thought she was making a prediction that could not fail to come true.

In my 20s, I got an MFA in writing and literature, I published a few things here and there, I performed my work a lot, and I really thought all that was going to lead to a book. I was disappointed that it didn't. And then, at some point, I stopped being a public writer of that kind, for various reasons. And some time after that, I got very peaceful about it, and busy with other things, and didn't really think about it much. I don't usually think about it; writing a book is no longer one of my ambitions.

Until somebody says, "You should write a book." And I have a flare-up.

The thing that's new about this latest flare-up--brought on by several recent "you should write a book" incidents--is that I find that I am not only OK with not writing a book just now, but I am glad not to have succeeded at it ten or fifteen years ago when I was really trying. Some of the writing I did back then was pretty good, and I do not squirm when I happen to re-read it. I spent some time last week re-reading a few things, and mostly liked them.

But a lot of what I wrote back then would have been hurtful to, well, my mother. And right now, I would not hurt my mother for the world. So I find myself feeling glad that the ambition of my twenties never bore fruit, because I am more comfortable now living in a world that doesn't have The Book of My Twenties in it. Maybe this just means I'm a coward; do not all writers, after all, move on from their early work? Well, so be it.

I may yet have a book in me; life is long, I always say, and the road takes many a turning. But I am glad for the book I didn't write, and I am enjoying the book I'm not writing just now, and every now and then I spend some time not planning to write a book any time soon. It keeps me busy.