This morning, the Tiny Tornado expressed concern that his name might make people think he is a girl. It's such an unusual name that this doesn't seem to have happened yet, but I share his concern. One of his nicknames is a shortened version of his name that does not sound girly at all, and I suggested that we start calling him that full-time. He loved the idea. I think his timing is good; it will be easiest if he starts school with this name.
My notes for the talk so far:
The Tiny Tornado has exhibited a consistent interest in boy things, clothes, etc, since toddlerhood, and in May asked to be referred to by male pronouns. Since May, he has been living as a boy full-time. Therefore, he is starting Begindergarten as a boy. We are fully supportive of him in this choice, as is his doctor. It is in keeping with current best practices for gender-nonconforming children.
He is concerned that his full name will make people think he is a girl. He has asked to be called "Nickname," which does not have that problem. Nickname should be the name used full-time in class, on papers and anything written. He should be introduced to other children, parents, and staff as Nickname and with exclusively male pronouns. His full name and trans status must not be disclosed to any children or parents, or to staff who do not have access to his records. Staff who do have access to his records should be given this information so that they do not disclose inappropriately by accident.
He will use the boys' restroom.
It would be great if there wasn't a lot of "boy/girl" divisions in the classroom--nametags with flowers vs. firetrucks, lining up by boys and girls, boys vs. girls in a game, and so on. He needs to be supported in his chosen identity and activities like this draw attention to his gender status in a way that can make him uncomfortable.So far, my plan for making this all sound less like a lecture is to smile a lot, and say, "Do you have any questions? Do you have any experience with this kind of thing? Is there anything you'd like to know? Would you like some links to resources?" That may be the best I can do.
My Three Sons
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6 comments:
In my experience, public school doesn't take kindly to being told what to do. It's going to be hard, but I wish you the best of luck. You may wish to let TT know that people from FGC are supporting him from far away. :)
The "boy/girl" divisions thing is a fabulous example of when "the rising tide lifts all boats." I ran into that on behalf of my son in public school all the time, where my request on his behalf, one student in the class, for something to be more appropriate for him made the classroom more appropriate for most (if not all) the kids. The boy/girl division was one battle I chose not to take on, and as a result he was often separated from his best friend for recess, lunch and other activities. In some ways, it was good in that it helped him form a broader range of friendships, but on the other hand... well, there is too much on that "other hand" to even articulate here.
Kathleen
Philadelphia PA
Have you considered emailing this before the meeting? That way they have read it and you get to walk in and smile and say "any questions?" That way you could also send links to helpful articles and books.
I like Johanna's idea, but if you use it, be aware (I'm sure you are already) that a subset of teachers, just as in the general population, does not absorb paragraphs-long emails, and not all the information may be conveyed. You'll get a sense of whether the recipients are read-and-respond-to-every-paragraph-in-detail or just-absorb-the-first-subtopic-addressed pretty quickly :-)
Also, though, emails may be forwarded accidentally and thus the trans status may be disclosed to inappropriate recipients.
My history of what-to-share-and-how about my child is very, very different from yours, but it existed, so at least I can say I know what it's like to go in to something knowing there's unexpected stuff about your kid that the people you're entrusting him to may not have ever encountered. I'm holding you all in the Light through this.
Definitely holding you intheLight.
Two sets of thoughts:
--email vs in-person? I would do in-person first and then consider wheter to follow up by email or by phone?
--do you or does TT have anythoughts about how to handle restroom issues with his peers? I am not asking from knowing anything about gender non-conforming kids, unless you cound my hating makeup and liking math as a teenager. I just remember an early in the school year moment for Irrepressible Nephew and one of his classmates one year. Nephew has an anatomical issue that affects urinary function. It just worked out that he and a boy with a different problem but who also wore pullups was were in the restroom at the same time and had a bonding moment about their respective issues. But what are your thoughts in TT's case?
Hey, folks, thanks for the comment. Raider and I both feel, strongly but kind of intuitively, that we want to broach this subject in person and not by e-mail.
RantWoman, I expect the Tiny Tornado to use the boys' bathroom with no problems. He and I just talked about this today, in fact, and how he could handle it the same way adult trans men we know do: always using a stall. Nobody but nobody ever looks at TT and thinks "girl!" so as long as the school doesn't create a problem by trying to get him to use the girls' restroom, or, as we've heard done in some cases, singling him out by sending him to a certain designated bathroom, we don't anticipate any problems. Locker rooms will be a different story, but we have some time yet before we have to deal with that!
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