I realize that the post I put up the other day on New Relationship Energy made it sound like I think relationships can only be in two modes: Somebody Is Changing mode, in which case the relationship is doomed; or Hunkered in the Bunker mode, in which case the couple clings fearfully to a dry, joyless routine, the safe but sterile fossilized remains of the vibrant love they once enjoyed.
Ha! Of course this is not true. Every relationship incorporates change over its lifetime. Sometimes the changes are challenging, the process of adapting to them requires a tremendous amound of hard work, and a successful outcome--if by "successful" we mean "the relationship continues"--is by no means assured. Other times, they're relatively easy to accommodate. Sometimes we initiate the changes--I go back to school to study Speech Language Pathology, and Raider takes up a few of my household chores and becomes responsible for dinner most nights. Other times, the changes are forced on us: someone's health declines, or a job is lost, or a child is more challenging that we expected.
My point is that this is another thing we have in common: relationships are strong and flexible, and they stretch and bend to accommodate the change that is a constant in life. I have more than one set of friends who got together as teenagers--or, in the case of one of my cousins, at the age of 12--with a partner they have now been with for 20, 30, or 40 years. I haven't had much opportunity to listen to these couples talk about how they navigated the transition to adulthood together, but I know they did it. When I think about all the changes I went through in my self-understanding and my behavior between the ages of 17 and 27, these relationships astonish me (though I know that some of these folks, at least, were generally more stable people than me from a young age). They made it through college together; grad school in some cases; the establishment of careers; the arrival of children (and in the case of my cousin, grandchildren); interstate moves. They've had triumphs and disappointments. And somehow they are still together, and in happy, healthy relationships.
If the idea of someone in a long-term relationship dating outside that relationship seems inconceivable to you, maybe it will help if you consider that every relationship has to stretch to accommodate the people in it. What is an easy accommodation for one--"sure, I'll move to Guam with you!"--is impossible for someone else--"I've been playing D&D with the same people every Saturday night for 20 years. There's no way I'm moving out of town!" It may be impossible for you to imagine being untroubled by your partner wanting to find someone to play with at the conference they're going to next weekend, but some people's honest reaction is, "Have a great time, honey. Take condoms. I think I'll spend the weekend marathoning that TV show you don't like."
My point is that your relationship may not stretch to encompass this particular kind of new thing but I am absolutely sure it has stretched to accommodate others. You've supported your partner through the monomania of finishing a dissertation, or through training for a marathon, or through their new obsession with keeping backyard poultry. You've spent a year in couple's therapy to overcome bad patterns, or one of you has finally entered treatment for an old anxiety or depressive disorder.
"That's not the same!" you may say. "Sex is in its own category! Romance is a separate thing!" Maybe. I know that for a lot of people that's true. But it's not true for me. For me, dating is just another example of the many things that our relationship is big enough to hold. I think that everyone who is in a relationship will at some point come up against the question of "Is our relationship big enough and strong enough for this?"
I tell you, this is another thing we have in common.
Upcoming: "Just What Did I Learn The Hard Way, and How Did I Learn It?" and "Is a Relationship a Failure if it Ends?"
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2 comments:
I love this. It's totally accurate. All long term relationships do have to change and grow with their partners. It's a good description.
and to answer that last question (which I'm looking forward to reading your post on): No, an ended relationship doesn't have to be a failure. I've gotten several best friends out of ended romantic relationships and I feel that us having a history only strengthens the bond between us. They know a lot about me, and Vice Versa. When I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with they know the words to say.
Sometimes a sexual or romantic relationship isn't meant to be. And that's okay.
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