LYSF: What I Like About Non-Monogamy

This is the fourth post in a sort-of series I'm calling Loving Your Slutty Friend. You can find the first three posts here, here, and here.

A friend told me that he was liking my posts about non-monogamy, but he hoped I'd write something about what is fun about it, and not just always make it sound like it's a big relationship challenge. "Hmmm, he is correct," I thought. "I should do that."

Note: I started this draft a couple of weeks ago, and then got busy with having a bad cold, and then having some seriously debilitating withdrawal effects from going off one of my headache medications because of intolerable side effects. And, of course, in that couple of weeks I learned that someone else is writing about this same thing. Aggie over at SoloPoly, whose blog I recently discovered, wrote just recently about "What's Wonderful About Being Solo, Poly, and Single," a piece of writing I really enjoyed, and I'll say a bit more about her post toward the end.

First, some disclaimers: One is that, as I started drafting this post in my head, I caught myself writing it in a negative way: "I don't worry about this, I don't have to deal with that," which made it sound like I was saying, "In monogamous relationships, there are all these icky bits that I, fortunately, have transcended." Oops. Not at all what I mean. I've made efforts to not say such things explicitly, but I don't mean to imply them, either. If it sounds like I'm making some negative generalization about monogamous relationships, call me on it so I can fix it, or explain myself better.

Also, this is my own experience, and it comes from my own inclinations, desires, and needs, and from my particular relationship with Raider. I'm not making any generalizations at all about how other people experience non-monogamy or what they find to be the good parts.

Finally, I think a very reasonable question people might ask would be, "But, if you were in a monogamous relationship, wouldn't you be getting these things some other way?" Yes, I probably would be. Or I'd be in a monogamous relationship because I didn't want or need some of these things. It's like homeschooling. One kid might learn to read through a rigorous phonics program, another by picking it up from being read aloud to, another as a side benefit of learning to write. All of those kids need to learn to read, but they do it in different ways according to their strengths and inclinations. If being non-monogamous helps me feel secure in my relationship with Raider, allows me to most fully express my sexuality, and helps me feel attractive, well, great. But I make no claim that non-monogamy is the only way a person, or even I, could achieve those things.

"Too much intro," I hear people saying. "Get to the good part." Well, OK. What makes being nonmonogamous so great?

First, and paradoxically, it makes me feel very secure in my primary relationship, because I can bring everything into it. If I develop a crush on someone, as I did a couple of years ago, I can just say so. I don't have to pretend I'm spending so much time with so-and-so because she is just the nicest person and I so long to be better friends with her. I can tell Raider right up front that so-and-so is getting my kettle boiling.

This means that no matter how steamy the kitchen gets, it's no threat to me and Raider. I'm not risking infidelity. And we can be talking about what, if anything, this crush means for us. To do nonmonogamy well, you can't be trying to figure things out on your own. You've got to talk about it. These conversations, even the ones that are sometimes hard, make you closer. They build trust.

That said, it's not all hard work. Raider likes to tease me about a crush; I love to hear it when some person crosses his radar. It's fun. It's just as much fun as sitting around with a friend dishing about the new guy at work. Only I get to do it with the person I love the best and am the closest to in the whole world.

Second, I like to flirt, and it makes me feel cute and sexy to flirt with other people. I've been with Raider a long time--coming up on 20 years in June. Raider thinks I am beautiful, cute, and sexy, but I have got to tell you that after so many years, it starts to lose its impact. Raider and I once had this conversation:

Me: How do I look?

Raider: Cute!

Me: You didn't even look at me!

Raider: I didn't have to. You're always cute.

This is great. Every woman should be so lucky. But once in awhile I like some outside confirmation. And my friends telling me I look good just can't have the same impact as hearing it from someone who is actually into me.

Writing about flirting makes me want another relationship word, for Person You Mutually Flirt With In A Totally Serious Way Because You Actually Do Think Each Other Are Hot and You Have Sexual Tension, But It's Clear Between You For Some Reason That You Will Never Have a Sexual or Romantic Relationship And You're Both OK With That Even If Maybe At Least One Of You Might Have Been Into It Had Things Been Different. Some of my best and most favorite relationships have fallen into this category. I'm a flirt, and being nonmonogamous lets me express that freely, so long as I respect the boundaries of the people I'm flirting with.

This might be a side note, but one of the reasons I like to flirt is because I like other people to know how cute and sexy they are, too. Some folks are aware that I flirt a lot, and they may wonder, "Just how often, when Su flirts, is she serious about it?" The answer is always. I flirt only with people I sincerely find attractive and hot. I find a lot of people attractive and hot. Doesn't mean I necessarily wanna do 'em. But I'm never pretending.

Thirdly, I like sex. I like it with Raider. I love it with Raider. Whenever I have reason to honor a new relationship, say at a wedding, I write in the card, "I wish you every happiness." And one of the things I mean by this is, "I wish you good sex." And what I really mean by that is, "I hope your sex is as good as mine and Raider's." I wish this sincerely for the whole world.

But I like sex, once in awhile--not really that often, in the grand scheme of things, but once in awhile--with someone else, too. Because sex is one of the ways I relate to people. I enjoy the kind of connection you have with someone when you are physically intimate. Back when I was a young free agent, sex was one of the ways I got to know people.

Fourthly, or maybe this is a subset of number three: Sex is different with different people in ways that are fun and satisfying. Oh, man, there are stories I wish I were free to tell you. Let me just say that people bring different energy to sex. Where one is serious and intense, say, another is laughingly playful. And they bring out different things in their partners. Sex with a new person is also a process of self-discovery.

Fifthly! There is nothing like New Relationship Energy. In a previous post, I talked about NRE as something that might challenge an established relationship. But New Relationship Energy can also feed back into your old relationship, bringing a very welcome spark of freshness. It can give you a taste of the days when you were bathed in limerence, couldn't stop thinking about each other, couldn't keep your hands off each other. I'm trying very hard not to tell this story, but it's too good an illustration to keep to myself: there was this time that Raider and I had some very nice sex, and we were lying there basking in the sweaty afterglow, and he turned to me and said with a grin, "Thank [name redacted] for me."

Penultimately, non-monogamy gives you a lot of practice at establishing and respecting boundaries, and taking responsibility for your actions. When there are more than two people involved, you can't coast along for too long without talking explicitly about how this is going to work, or things get messy. I'm realizing I already touched on this up-top, so I'll repeat myself: To do nonmonogamy well, you can't be trying to figure things out on your own. You've got to talk about it. These conversations, even the ones that are sometimes hard, make you closer. They build trust.

Finally, this just seems to be how I'm wired. I don't know why. It is clearly not essential for me to have more than one partner at a time, as evidenced by the many years during which I have happily had just the one. But when the time comes that I am pulled toward someone specific, or pulled more generally toward the new, it is healthy and honest for me not to have to pretend otherwise.

As a coda, I'm going to build on what Aggie said in the post I linked above:

For me, one of the best perks of being poly is that I’m always seeing relationship options. If I click well with someone who is available to connect with me on an honest basis, we usually can figure out some way to make it work.

I'll pull out this bit: I'm always seeing relationship options. That doesn't mean I'm looking for sex with every person I like even a little. Mostly, in fact, I am not looking for sex even with people I'm sexually attracted to. But I like that my only two relationship options aren't "platonic friend" and "monogamous lover." I mentioned above the Ongoing Flirtation. I also like its cousin, the Short-Term Flirtation. One of my favorite non-Raider relationships of the past 20 years fell into that category. I like kissing, I like touching, I like cuddling. I am sometimes intrigued by things people tell me about their sexual practices and I like that show-and-tell could be a possiblity. I see a lot of options, and I'm not even aware of all the options that are out there.

And a final note: I think it was last year sometime when I updated my relationship status on Facebook from "In a Relationship" to "In an Open Relationship." My motives were prurient; I was dropping a hint on someone I was in a flirtation with. She didn't take the bait, but I started getting e-mails. I have been astonished--filled with wonder and amazement, as the dictionary says; filled with the emotional impact of overwhelming surprise--by how many of my friends and loved ones are also in non-monogamous relationships of various kinds. I have been surrounded by my peers and never knew it. I thank every single one of the people who have shared their experiences with me.

 

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