90 Minute Film Class

Why am I up writing at 1:30 a.m.? Because last week I had a crown prep on Tooth 14, and it never stopped hurting but just kept getting worse and worse, so this morning I saw my dentist and he adjusted my temporary crown and then prescribed me a one-day course of steroids to reduce inflammation and help my nerve chill out. Steroids! Sleep not!

I have used the time wisely. I did some dishes, and then I watched a thing I've been meaning to watch for a few weeks, and now I'm going to write about it, and then I'm going to go lie down and stare, wide-eyed, into the darkness for awhile (steroids always make me feel like my eyelids are propped open with toothpicks), and then I'm going to get up again and make myself a cup of tea and watch an episode of Dollhouse via streaming Netflix, and then I'm going to lie down and stare wide-eyed into the dark again and just as I doze off Yehva is going to say, "Mama?" and I'm going to jerk awake and tuck her in again because she has kicked the covers off. And then I'm going to lie staring into the dark for awhile, and eventually I'll doze off but Yehva will need to be tucked in again, and I will repeat this two or three times and then just as the sky is beginning to get gray in the east, I will finally fall into a real sleep that will last until David pops his head in the door and says, "Su? Sweetie? It's 8:45. Don't you have an eye doctor appointment at 9?"

I've taken steroids before.

So, what did I watch?

Well, some guy named Plinkett makes video film reviews that are as long as movies themselves; his reviews of the Star Wars prequels run about 90 minutes each, in 3 30-minutes sections. There are actually two Plinketts: the real Plinkett, about whom we know very little except that he knows a lot about film and can talk about it in a very articulate and listen-able way; and the Plinkett Persona of the reviews, who speaks in a grating monotone that some people find off-putting, and lives in a filthy, dingy little house, where he seems to live on pizza rolls, Twinkies,  and beer. Persona Plinkett is extremely profane; he has carnal relations with the aforementioned Twinkies, and with his cat; and he is a serial killer. Once or twice in each review, the camera accidentally reveals bones, or his latest victim tied up in the background. You can imagine that this is also very off-putting to some people; it's a kind of humor that offends, and some folks won't watch his reviews because of it. You can see people having a conversation about it over at MetaFilter earlier this month, when his review of Revenge of the Sith was released. You'll see the whole range of reactions there, from folks who won't watch him, to folks who think he's brilliant and those other folks are killjoys, to folks like me who'd prefer not to have the jarring little serial-killer moments but are willing to fast-forward through them because they're uncommon and brief and what he has to say about movies is knowledgeable, insightful, and educational.

If you were to watch his review of Sith, you would learn so much about why and how a film can be bad. He teaches you to recognize bad dialogue, and how it can ruin even a good actor. He explains why green screen work can take a viewer out of the world of the film even if it's technically very good, by dissecting the making of the scene where Obi-Wan Kenobi confronts General Grievous. He does a wicked comparison of Sith with Citizen Kane, which even he admits is unfair, but as he lays out similar scenes from the two movies side-by-side, in about five minutes he teaches you some ways that a film can be great, and some ways that a film can fail. The first half of the third section of the review, where he describes Lucas's habit of filming all dialogue scenes in the same two ways over and over, is brilliant and devastating. Characters either walk, slowly, no matter how urgent things are, because if they walk fast or run they'll get to the end of the studio's green screen space too quickly, or they walk to a couch and sit on it for the rest of the scene, except at the moments when one character stands, walks three steps away, and then turns back.

Perhaps you do not have children who love all things Star Wars, and have not been forced to watch these movies over and over. In that case, these reviews may not mean as much to you. Yet, truly, I say to you that it is worth suffering through the prequels in order to better appreciate Plinkett's reviews; he knows his stuff. Things you've sort of vaguely noticed, a sense of confusion you maybe had, or a feeling that you were watching a bad movie but couldn't quite put your finger on why it was bad: Plinkett will bring those things into sharp relief, give you a vocabulary for them, and show you things that, once seen, you will never un-see again. Really: I took a film course in college, and I swear I learned more from Plinkett's 90 minutes on Sith than I did earning 3 semester credits.

You have to be careful, though: I'm not kidding about not being able to un-see what is seen. (And I'm not just talking about the tasteless serial killer running joke--though the Sith review doesn't show us any victims, instead treating us to a Buffy-style hot ass-kicking babe who shows up at Plinkett's house with a battle axe to take revenge, which, hey, a big improvement.)

No, I mean: it's not always a good thing in your life to recognize badness. Here I will tell you a story that many people have heard before, but it so very illustrates what I'm talking about. Many years ago, before we had children, my good friends Adrianne and Carla invited me and some other friends to go camping on South Manitou Island. Camping on SMI is rugged. I think there's a cold-water standpipe, but otherwise there are no amenities. You hike, and hang out in the woods, and we took our kayaks over on the ferry with us. Overall it wasn't really my thing; I'm glad I went, but I like room-service type vacations, and I didn't stay as long as everybody else did.

Anyway, Carla's friend Kate also came, and she was a coffee connoisseur. I remember sitting by the fire one morning watching Kate grind her coffee and brew it in a French-press pot she had brought with her. Battery-powered coffee grinder (I'm pretty sure, though memory may be embellishing here) and French press on the no-amenities island. I suppose I wasn't as subtle with the eye-rolling as I might have been, because Kate decided to explain to me why she was willing to go to so much trouble to have a decent cup of coffee even when she hadn't showered in two days and had to haul the water half a mile and heat it over an open fire. It had to do with good coffee having texture, and more than one flavor tone, and layers, and she described all these things to me in detail. "Jeez," I said to myself, "what a pretentious snob."

The next day, on my way home, I stopped for lunch at a diner-type family restaurant, and I had coffee. Because I really liked coffee. I took one sip--I remember this sip, I will remember it always--and said to myself, "Gah! Kate was right! This coffee is terrible!"

Kate had taught me two things: how to recognize and appreciate good coffee, and how to recognize and depreciate the bad stuff. It's both a gift and a curse, because before my South Manitou Island coffee-appreciation seminar, I liked bad coffee just fine. Cheap coffee, easy to make, and you can get it anywhere. I was happy.

Now I have become a person who values good coffee so much that when I travel, I take my own beans, grinder, and coffee pot.*

Kate ejected me from my innocent coffee Eden.

This is my go-to story about this phenomenon, but I could give so many examples: books my friends devour gleefully that I can't get through because I'm too good at recognizing too many varieties of bad writing. Or how I recently noticed in a dialogue scene in an episode of Buffy that when a certain actor wasn't facing the camera full-on, his mouth wasn't moving even though the sound track was his voice speaking, and now I see that happening all the time. Or how, many years ago, David and I studied design and typography together. This means that, if we make a flyer for your event, it will look a lot better than most people's amateur flyers. It also means that we are always distracted by bad design on menus, and the signs on businesses, and crappy kerning in headlines and logos. In some ways, life was better when we just didn't see those things. Though critiquing the contrast, alignment, repetition, and proximity on the table tents does always give us something to talk about on date night.

So, on the one hand, I want to encourage you to watch a Plinkett review--perhaps especially his Sith review, if you're squeamish about the whole serial-killer thing, because there are no tied-up women in his basement in this one (though there is a thing with a cat that is not funny but at least is so obviously fake that, for me at least, it was also not disturbing--just eye-rolling). To me, two minutes of gross-out unfunny humor is a price worth paying for 90 minutes of really worthwhile insight into film, and if you're willing to risk it, and can put up with a lot of profanity (watching a few HBO shows over the last few years should perhaps be a prerequisite; it trains the ear), you will learn a lot, especially if you haven't had a film course or thought much about how movies are written, filmed, and edited. When you are watching a good movie, you may well find yourself appreciating the framing of shots, or the editing of key scenes, or the deft handling of expository dialogue, in a way you never have before.

On the other hand: if you have not thought about these things before, there are probably a whole lot of movies you have liked just fine that will now be ruined, to a greater or lesser extent, once you have learned to see this stuff. Sometimes, I think it can be argued, it is better just not to know. Only you can make this call.

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*And people make fun of me for it. But come to my room for coffee. Although, actually, right now neither Kate nor I drink coffee. She lost her taste for it during her last pregnancy, and I gave up caffeine a few months ago, and then a couple of weeks ago gave up even my morning decaf because of acid reflux issues. I'm so middle-aged. But I appreciated my coffee while I could. Now I drink many cups of decaf Lipton tea every day, and am actively resisting any efforts anyone might make to teach me to appreciate good tea. Decaf Lipton tastes good to me, it's cheap, and you can buy it anywhere. I'm not planning to mess with that any time soon.