So, when people talk to each other, there are at least two levels of communication going on. One is very direct: the words you're saying. But the other is implicit, and has to do with what the words imply, non-literal meanings that accrue because of cultural conventions or long usage. Linguists call this latter meaning "pragmatics," though I'm sure I've done a poor job of describing it.
So I'll give some examples. I have many to hand, because one of Raider's favorite things is to tease me by pretending he has no notion of pragmatics. So, for 17 years, I have almost-daily been subjected to little conversations like these:
Me: Raider, have you seen my shoes?
Raider: Many a time!
or
Me: Raider, I'd like a cup of tea.
Raider: And no wonder! Tea is both delicious and soothingly warm!
He likes to pretend he can only hear what I have literally said, so he doesn't know that "have you seen my shoes?" is a perfectly conventional construction meaning, "I cannot find my shoes. Do you know where they are right now?" Or that "I'd like a cup of tea" is more than a declarative statement about my appetite.
I'm thinking about this for a couple of reasons. One is that Eric is learning the difference between "statements" and "commands" in his Language Arts curriculum, and it's interesting to think about how often a statement can actually be a command ("I'm cold" can mean "turn the heat up," or "hand me that blanket"; "I'd like a cup of tea" can actually mean, "get me a cup of tea, please"; "I'm getting hungry" can mean, "please start cooking dinner.")
The other is that I've had several occasions recently to reflect on how very often people think they've said something, but they haven't. A couple of weeks ago I got an e-mail from an acquaintance about a conversation we'd had a few months ago. In the e-mail, she described herself as having been "very direct" in asking me to do something, and said that she felt I had just "blown her off." I apologized, because I am sorry I made her uncomfortable. But I remember the conversation, too, and at the time, I honestly did not realize she was asking me to take action. Why not? Because she phrased her request in the form of a factual statement. She didn't say, "Su, would you please?" or "Su, I'd like you to," or "Su, I wish you would..." Maybe I was a little too clueless ("Yes, I have seen your shoes many times! And admired their tasteful elegance!") but I was struck by her sense that she had been "very direct" with me when in fact she had not said a word about what she wanted me to do.
Another friend was telling me the other day about how hurt and offended she was by someone's failure to act in the face of her need. She had sent this person an e-mail saying that she was ill, and expected that the response would be an offer of help. But the offer of help did not come. Again, I noticed that she thought she had made a request, and that her request had been ignored, but she never said she needed help during her illness. Only that she was ill. And her friend took the information at face value: she was sorry to hear about the illness, but didn't realize she was being asked to help.
I wonder if that indirect form of making a request is partly cultural? Is it a form of Midwestern politeness and conflict-avoidance, or is it something that happens everywhere people talk to each other? Awhile ago, somebody on AskMetafilter described the difference between Ask vs. Guess Culture, and it resonated with a lot of people. I come from Guess Culture, for sure, but I think I've become an Ask Culture person because I like the clarity, and because, as the AskMetafilter comment said, Guess Culture behavior can seem passive-aggressive to me: you're mad at me because I didn't do something you didn't actually ask me to do? Really? It can feel like a set-up. (And realizing that you're disappointed because someone didn't do something they didn't know you wanted them to do can be both humbling and liberating.)
I wonder if another way to think about Ask vs. Guess is that people may have preferences about who they want to be mad: some people would rather be mad, and some people would rather somebody else be mad. If you'd rather be mad than have someone mad at you, you're going to make indirect statements instead of direct requests; you risk not getting what you want and need, but on the other hand, it's much less likely that the person will be upset with you. On the other hand, if you ask someone very directly, especially if your request might make them embarrassed or self-conscious or feel hurtful ("Can you please stop chewing with your mouth open?") they might be angry with you. I suppose there's a balance, a calculation people make, weighing how likely they are to end up in explicit conflict against how likely they are to get what they want.
That's all I've got. I've just been musing about this lately. I wonder if Raider found my shoes and made my tea yet?
6 comments:
I love this! I am struggling with another version of this in my own life (thinking someone was talking about me when they apparently feel that they were only talking AFTER me and on the same topic I had just addressed about myself)
Also noticing how very rarely I am really entirely direct. A long time ago I started responding to "will you do me a favor?" with "maybe, what is it?" instead of "yes" which just seems a little dangerous. But when asking people to do things it seems inordinately rude to say "I am requiring you to do this right now" - I work in a job with high school students who often don't really want to work (many of them are kickass workers, but a percentage are not) a few weeks ago one was sitting around not even trying to look busy, and I said something like "you can go help the other teacher with..." and she said, "no thanks, I'm good" and I was in the awkward position of saying, "no, I need you to go help the other teacher"
and I SO often, almost always, say "do you want to..." (help with dishes, sweep up, change his diaper) when I myself usually answer that question with, "well, no, not really..... but I will"
Sometimes I can't even think of how to say things entirely directly, it's a little spooky
Su, this is great! I'm actually thinking of sharing this (or a modified version) with my students who are learning how to teach English language learners. Pragmatics can be such a sticky point...along with indirect language, slang, jargon and whatnot.
What great observations. I am personally banging up against a number of cases where I think I have said something very clearly and messages are not coming through.
As someone who spends a lot of time walking along boundaries between different cultures, it's also important to be aware that different cultures have different norms about exactly the points covered here.
According to Iana, all Midwesterners lack spine. She used to complain about my inability to speak up for myself. I attempt to be more direct these days, but I'm sure I'm beating around the bush half the time anyway!
Well, I lost my response I wrote earlier. Basically, I took many, many words to say pretty much what RantWoman said in her second paragraph. :o) Then I added that the problem comes when the cultural expectations clash, as is happening more frequently as people are mobile over large geographic areas.
As for Midwestern culture, I perceive a difference in subcultures in the Midwest, with rural areas being more "guess" culture and urban areas being more "ask". (That's just my perception; I could be totally off base.) The American South is much more of a "guess" culture than we are, from what I've heard and from my friendship with a born and bred Southerner. What I've heard from some Southerners is that they would be *loath* to make a direct request (which they feel would put an obligation on the listener). However, they also have a higher expectation that the listener will pick up on the cues and offer practical assistance if at all possible. They feel culturally conditioned to do the same for others, of course. It's almost as if they "hear" requests at a quieter level and a direct request is the equivalent of shouting or demanding. As if you said to your partner, "Tell me where the hell my shoes are, damn it!" when "Have you seen my shoes?" would do.
I doubt one way is better than the other in a self-contained culture, but it's certainly a bumpy ride when people try to communicate across those cultural norms!
I notice that I'm also becoming more direct (more "ask") and I see others going in the same direction, so maybe there is a cultural shift happening as we speak?
I grew up in northern Fl/southern Ga and it's very guess culture there. One of my favourite examples is when I was visiting my great grandmother in Bainbridge,Ga; I had just taken a 30 minute shower:
GG: Well, you're a might fine clean girl this morning!
Me: Yep! I needed a shower after that long drive.
GG: Well, I have to figure out what to wear now. Why don't you run along?
Little did I know that GG was commenting on the fact that I used up all the hot water. She called me "mighty fine clean" because I had spent so much time in there. Her second complaint was hinting that she would have to get dressed without a shower. My mother had to explain it all in plain English or I still wouldn't know I had hurt GG's feelings.
To this day I can't figure out guess culture. I eventually turned to ask culture as a way of not looking asinine. Even so, I assume when I shouldn't. I think everyone falls prey to this kind of thinking.
Post a Comment