I thought I'd make it up to you all by doing two posts today, but I am still sick and I doubt I'll actually write two complete posts. So I thought I'd share something from the archives. "Farina Endfen" is an anagram of a dear friend's name. When I wrote this, she had a son 14 months older than mine (she still does), and I thought of her as infinitely capable and also much bolder than I am (I still do). "Senna Spun" is an anagram of a real name of mine that I rarely use; there is little less satisfying than anagramming "Su Penn." Our personae in this little vignette seem very true to our real characters to me.
I wrote this back in 2001, when I was the mom of a single six-month-old. Of course, we didn't call him the Lego Savant back then, but I thought I'd try to be consistent with my recent, belated, half-hearted attempts to protect my children's privacy.
Here we go:
I was just changing the Lego Savant's diaper and reflecting happily on how much quicker and more efficient I am at it than I used to be, and I thought, "Hey, this would make a great event in the Mom Olympics." It would look like this:
BOB: Welcome back to the Mom Olympics on ESPN2. I'm Bob Smith, your host, and with me in the booth is Vera Bera, mother of six and three-time gold medalist. Vera, what's our next event?
VERA: Bob, we've got the poopy diaper change, and you can almost smell the excitement in the room as the event technicians bring in the babies. And there's Senna Spun, our first contestant, just entering the arena.
BOB: Vera, can you tell us a little bit about the event?
VERA: Sure, Bob. I see that Spun has chosen a fairly simple change, Compliant Bottle-Fed Baby on Home Changing Table. That change is only worth an 8 out of 10 at best; it's a conservative move for this newcomer from the midwest. Wait; I see she's opted for cloth diapers. We'll see some inflated scores there from the Natural Parenting and Attachment Parenting judges; clearly Spun is counting on that.
BOB: What kinds of things can the judges deduct points for?
VERA: Well, Bob, Excessive Use of Wipes is a common penalty, as is Poop In Unauthorized Locations. For instance, if she lets the baby's heels get in it or has any on her hands when the change is done. Oh, she's started. I see she's removed the baby's socks. Again, a conservative move--she would lose points if the baby needed new socks or a new outfit, but it will cost her in time.
BOB: She's done! She's putting the socks back on! That was quick!
VERA: And done well. I didn't see any major deductions, but she'll have a hard time taking a medal if she can't be a little bolder than that.
BOB: And here are the scores... that's got to be a disappointment.
VERA: Well, the quality of the sport just isn't what it used to be. In my day, every serious competitor at the national level had at least four children in at most six years; now it's all mothers-of-one. In 1978, I had to perform a near-perfect Simultaneous Bowel Movements of 8-Month-Old and Two-Year-Old in Car With Light-Colored Upholstery While Running Late to Pick Up Four-Year-Old From Preschool to win my second gold, but the multiple-child events have been completely phased out in recent years.
BOB: Here's the next contestant. What can you tell us about Farina Endfen, Vera?
VERA: Well, Bob, this Montanan and former social worker is known to followers of the sport for her risk-taking tendencies. Rumor has it she's been working on a new change that could set the bar higher than it's ever been before in single-baby competition. But will she risk it? She's the favorite to win this event, and with Spun scoring low might not want to take unnecessary chances....Oh, my God!
BOB: Vera, the crowd is just exploding out there as Endfen's change is announced.
VERA: Yes, Bob, I can hardly believe my eyes. Endfen has opted for Non-Compliant Toddler with Stomach Complaint in Public Restroom with No Changing Station. It's the four-minute-mile of the poopy diaper event. We hear she's achieving a 50% success rate with it in practice, but no one has ever seen anything like it at this level of competition before.... They're bringing out the baby. Listen to him howl!
BOB: Spun's looking a little shaky on the sidelines, there.
VERA: And well she should be, Bob. She's got to be kicking herself for not trying at least Clean, Well-Lit Public Restroom, Forgot to Re-Pack Diaper Bag After Tuesday's All-Day Shopping Trip, a change she's had good success with in regional competition. I'd say she's lost her chance of medaling here today unless something goes terribly wrong on Endfen's change.
BOB: And what would that take? I assume Endfen's change is worth a full 10 out of 10.
VERA: Yes, but the risks are enormous. She'll be on her knees on a damp floor, remember, and the baby is non-compliant and has loose bowels. She's risking Baby and Mother Both Need New Outfits, the second-largest penalty in the sport after Baby and Mother Both Need Bath.
BOB: Will Farina Endfen make Mom Olympics history? Stay tuned--we'll find out right after this important message from Huggies.
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