Sex, and Sex Education

I'm reading Kristin Luker's book When Sex Goes to School (Amazon link), which reviews the history of sex education in the US all the way back to the "social hygiene" movement of the early 20th century, but mostly focuses on what's been happening since the sexual revolution of the 60s. She is a sociologist who spent years interviewing people in towns having controversy about sex ed in their schools, and she does a good job of listening and representing various people's positions.

One of her purposes is to try to understand the differences between sexual "liberals"--who tend to favor inclusive, extensive sex education--and "conservatives," who tend to favor abstinence-only education. A section I've just read talks about the different hopes and expectations each group tends to have for their children, and how this shapes their preferences. For instance, conservatives tend to expect their children to marry relatively early. On the other hand, liberals often didn't marry and have kids until their late 20s or early 30s. One reason they are uncomfortable with the idea of expecting young people to wait until marriage to have sex is that, because they also expect their kids to start a career, "get to know themselves," and have adventures before they marry, asking them to wait until their wedding night condemns them to a decade or more of adulthood during which they have no outlet for their sexuality.

I like that Luker portrays people's doubts, internal conflicts, and uncertainties as well, because, as a parent, I have plenty of those. On the one hand, I'm a classic liberal as Luker describes them: David and I got together when I was 27, and had our first baby when I was 35; I believe in more than one healthy way for people to express their sexuality; I tend to think that anything that happens between consenting adults who are ethically concerned for their own and each other's physical and emotional well-being is probably OK for them (even if what they're doing makes me want to avert my gaze and cry, "Oh, my heavens, no!"); I think that a well-informed child is a child who is better prepared to make healthy decisions.

On the other hand... I am concerned when I watch TV and movies that present teenagers having sex as the next logical step after "liking each other," with no presentation of it being a decision they had to make, or something one or both of them might have doubts about. I'm ambivalent about sex education in schools because I suspect that no matter how they did it, I'd be unhappy with it. I actually share with sexual conservatives the idea that parents should be the ones to teach their kids about sex, I'm concerned about schools taking on too much ("mission creep"), and I'm absolutely sure that no matter how hard a school tried for the liberal mission in sex ed, something in there would fall short or offend me or feel like them telling my kids something I didn't want my kids to hear.

I'm also the somewhat-hypocritical parent who wouldn't necessarily want my own kids to be as sexually active as I was. I remember when my niece got to be 13 or 14, looking at her and thinking about how young she seemed, and how uncomfortable I would be with the idea of her doing some of the things my friends and I were doing at that age.

I recently came across a survey of sexual attitudes and experience among Americans, and was surprised to learn that I've had about 2.5 times the number of sexual partners as the average American woman. I never felt all that promiscuous, but when I think that I packed all that activity into the eight years between when I lost my virginity and when I got involved with David, it does seem a bit excessive. The list of "people I'd just as soon, in retrospect, not have slept with" is long enough that I'd like my kids to be a bit more cautious.

(I remind myself of an episode of Roseanne in which Jackie realizes she's had an average of two lovers a year since she was 16--and that this means she's slept with about 40 guys. My number isn't that high, but they do add up over time!)

On the one hand, I wouldn't want my kids to have as much bad sex with frat boys as I did. Or as much second-date sex with women they're only going to end up going on four dates with. On the other hand, I want them to know that bad sex with an asshole isn't the end of the world, and that no choice they make about having or not having sex makes them bad people. And I want them to know that experimenting and making mistakes is part of how people learn about their sexuality and what they want from relationships. At least, making mistakes seems to have been a really big part of the learning process for me.

The thing that conservative and liberal parents have in common is that they seem, like me, to want things to be easier and smoother for their kids. Some conservative moms, for instance, got that way after being abandoned by male lovers when they got pregnant, and they want their sons to be more ethical and their daughters not to be left holding the bag; some liberal parents talk about feeling like growing up in a more conservative setting gave them twisted and damaging views of sex that they had to overcome in order to have satisfying sexual relationships. In this, I think, we're all the same: we want the path to healthy, satisfying adult sexual relationships to be a safer and simpler one for our kids than it was for us. To all of us I say with loving sarcasm: Good luck with that.

Yes, folks, I know there was a blank post up for awhile--it accidentally happened when I started my draft, and not only could I not see the blank post when I looked at my blog, but I couldn't figure out how to delete it without losing my draft. Sorry.