The subtitle of the book really fits Eric (and me, when I was a kid, I have realized. Sorry, Mom): A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. This book has been far and away the most useful resource David and I have had (besides unschooling books and discussion lists) for working productively with Eric on these issues.
Most books about dealing with strong-willed kids (and believe me, I've read them all) focus on discipline as a tool: you make a list of expectations, you create sticker charts, you develop a system of rewards and punishments, you assert your will consistently all the time until your kid learns there's no point in resisting.
I can't imagine.
I have a kid with so much "counter-will" that recently when I suggested--gently--he do something, he said to me, "Aww, Mom, I was about to do that, but now that you told me to, I can't! [huffs and sits down with arms crossed] Now I have to sit here until I forget you told me to do it and it can be my idea again." Adding additional discipline to the mix doesn't make things better; it just means he hardens his resistance and we fight more.
Ross Greene takes a different approach that is very welcome to me, and that, over the past few years, has really allowed Eric to blossom into in a kid who understands himself pretty well, who sees the value of being flexible, who very rarely gets "stuck" anymore, who can help us problem-solve. He has gone from a kid who wouldn't look at or talk to adults--or tolerate them talking to him--to a kid whose social skills I hear praised. He is good at creative problem-solving, and is often the one who comes up with the solution we choose when we're not in agreement about what to do.
Some of this is definitely developmental--the year he was seven he blossomed dramatically, and really began to be able to put into effect the stuff we'd been talking to him about and trying to do for the previous several years. But I suspect if we'd taken a more top-down, rewards-and-punishment, heavy discipline approach, as so many experts recommend, it would have been much harder for him. He might very well have hardened his resistance and continued with constant challenging behaviors.
So what is Ross Greene's approach?
First, he asks parents to accept this premise: That children will do well if they can. In other words, your kid isn't out to manipulate you or "get you" or make your life miserable. He's doing the best he can. This is absolutely contrary to most parenting theories, even "gentle" ones, which seem to assume that kids are a bundle of badness that will get out of control and ruin your life if you don't nip it in the bud. But it has been key to peaceful parenting for me and David, this idea that they're doing the best they can, and if they're "misbehaving," it's because they have a need they're trying to meet and they don't know a more functional way to meet that need.
Greene also suggests that it takes two to make a tantrum: it's not enough for a kid to be inflexible. The parent has to be, too. (I would only modify this to say, "In most cases, it takes two to make a tantrum." Really, every now and then one is coming like a summer storm and you just have to go to the cellar to wait it out and hope it doesn't pull the roof off the house.) He asks parents to consider whether it is more in their control to change themselves and their expectations and reactions, or to expect their five-year-old to.
The main tool he offers is the idea of apportioning your expectations for your kid into three "plans": Plan A is things you are just going to let go of for now, in the interest of reducing conflict. Plan C is things so important that you're willing to impose your will even if it means a tantrum. And Plan B are things you practice "collaborative problem-solving" on.
(I may have Plans A and C reversed...but you get the point.)
He encourages parents, especially in the early stages of dealing with things, to put as much as possible into Plan A. Things that are Plan A for us with Eric include: Changing clothes. Bathing. Trying to get him to try new foods. Going to group activities where someone is going to try to teach him something.
Plan C are things so important that you're willing to risk a tantrum: we generally limit this to life-threatening things ("No, you may not drink that hemlock!"). Off the top of my head, I cannot think of anything David and I routinely treat as a Plan C item.
Plan B is where we spend a lot of our time, working with him to find solutions that are respectful of his needs, the other kids', other people's, and ours. Plan B solutions might include things like us helping him brush his teeth when he's feeling tired and can't do it himself otherwise; agreeing that I'll do most of my errands on Saturday so he can stay home with his dad, if he'll go with me so I can get this one very important one taken care of today; agreeing that he doesn't have to take a whole bath to go to so-and-so's house, so long as he changes into a clean shirt and lets me brush his hair; agreeing to fix him an alternative to a dinner he doesn't like if he'll give me time to eat first.
I know--because they say so--that other parents often think I give in to Eric too much, or let him "get away" with things. To them I can only reply that they must not have a kid like him. I know that other kids are different because I have Carl, who is much more flexible and easy-going, and will actually do things when you tell him to, even if he doesn't really want to. "Okay, Mom," he'll say in a dejected voice, as he goes off to do whatever it is. So different! Had we wanted to use time-outs, we actually could have with Carl! He would have sat in the little chair or on the little rug or whatever! Not Eric. Oh, good Lord no. Never Eric.
Because I have Carl, I believe you when you tell me that X technique worked great with your kid. In return, please believe me when I tell you that it would be a disaster with Eric.
I cannot recommend this book and its approach strongly enough to any parent dealing with a kid like Eric. You won't get a transformed kid by next week, like so many discipline-based books promise. In our experience, it was more like, "Three long and challenging years to a blossoming child!" Which I understand never put a Ph.D. on the New York Times bestseller list. But the payoff is much greater. I think Eric has better self-esteem, feels more successful, and sees himself as an active partner with us because we took this approach. We also had more peaceful days along the way than we would have if we'd tried for more control.
I also would recommend it to parents who don't have a kid like Eric. Perhaps it will give such parents more sympathy for kids and parents like us; perhaps it will encourage them to withhold judgment. Also, considering what you're asking your child to do and your own tendency to want to be in control and assert your will, and how you respond to conflicts with your child, could be useful for any parent who wants a more peaceful and respectful relationship with his child.
(little thing in the interest of truth: Eric doesn't actually have "tantrums" per se. But I've used "tantrums" as a shorthand for a constellation of behaviors it would otherwise be too much of a derail to go into.)
7 comments:
I may actually try and check this out too. But not for my son, who is very tractable and easy to correct b/c he just wants to make us happy and proud. He loves when we clap and fuss over him. I'm actually thinking of my hubby, who sometimes responds just the way Eric does "Well, I was going to do it, but now you've said something, I don't want to at all." /sigh
Congratulations on Eric’s progress. It is your victory as well as his. I know from my own experience that there must have been days when you wondered if you were doing the right thing to help him become a person others want to be around. There is a lot of worry that goes into a child with a hot temper or difficulty coping with stuff in socially acceptable ways. You obviously did some things right, and that helped Eric to do what he needed to do to help himself.
We’ve had a similar journey with Alexander. For him, it’s less about frustration and inflexibility than it is about having extreme difficulty handling *any* discomfort or disappointment when he’s not functioning at 90 – 100%. (Oh, the lengths we used to go to in making sure he got enough sleep! Going to bed on time was “class C” -- worth a minor tantrum, because I knew for absolute certain that a much bigger, more traumatic one would be in store for the next day if he didn’t!) Things are much better now that he’s getting older. For years, I’ve clung to each little increment of progress as evidence that we were at least moving in the right direction, while simultaneously worrying that there might be something we should be doing to make faster progress! Now that we are a good ways toward being out of the woods, I’m pretty sure there was no magic bullet that we missed. The “long and challenging” years had to be slogged through.
I have to respectfully disagree with Greene that it takes two to make a tantrum. If anything happened to knock Xander off his game – a missed nap, a long car ride, too long without a snack, etc. – then the conditions were set for a possible melt down. We never knew what the trigger would be. It could be something as simple as the way his sandal strap was resting on his foot, and no amount of adjustment would fix it. Whatever it was, when the trigger came, *nothing* could avert the ensuing tantrum in most cases – not giving him what he wanted (by the time he was heading over the cliff, he usually something impossible anyway), not ignoring him, not speaking softly and gently (he *hated* that), not being stern, nothing. Sometimes getting him to eat something would help, if hunger was his underlying problem, but usually not. If it was coming, it was coming. Batten down the hatches! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how emotionally draining this was.
That said, we eventually followed much of the approach you describe from the book, even without reading it. It makes me reflect how much our parenting style is shaped by the kind of kids we are dealt. Had I not had a child like Xander, I would never have questioned some of the more conventional approaches to parenting that were working just fine for my older child. I might have subscribed to a more “one size fits all” philosophy. I also would not have as much appreciation for just how long it takes for some issues to work themselves out, no matter how wonderful the parenting is. (And I have not been perfect in my handling of his challenges, by a long shot.)
Sorry this is so long, but before I wrap up, I have to credit a Mothering Magazine article for shaping my response to tantrums. (http://www.mothering.com/parenting/cry-connection-fresh-approach-tantrums) It came out the year Alexander was born, and I read it with only an academic interest. (Brianna was a whiner and a sulker. She never had tantrums.) I remember an example in the article of a 5 year old having a tantrum and I was appalled! Still having tantrums at 5?? Bwaa, haa, ha! Little did I know what was in store… I’m tempted to credit Divine guidance for that article. Thank God I read it before Alexander became a toddler! Thank God I didn’t take the “leave the room and ignore” approach to his tantrums, which I might have done, had this article not shown me another way. Thank God we have been able to shepherd him through those trying times to become a boy (and eventually a man) who knows when *he* needs to leave the room. Thank God the tantrum stage is more or less over. Inhale…
I'm ordering this thru our local bookstore (to help keep it in business) rather than Amazon, so it'll be a wait still. But I'm already using the little bits you coached me on last month and have tried to explain it to Di... although 3rd hand, I'm not sure it made much sense to her. I think it's helping already tho. Or he's just starting to grow out of it. Hard to know... as you know!
Also have to comment on the 2 to make a tantrum! I completely agree with you & the previous commenter that many times, there's NO WAY to head one off. Kit can just explode almost w/o warning, and reaches a point where he's actually insisting on the opposite of what he appeared to want in the first place. And tantrum is too gentle a word for it... tornado is closer. Or hurricane. And time outs? I think I told you about the night he was sent to his room and after many, many repeats we locked him in... he just climbed out his window, came around the house, got the hidden key, unlocked the door and came inside to continue yelling. Things are actually a little better than those days, now that I think about it. Looking forward to being past this stage entirely.
Suzanne, the Mothering article Stephanie linked to was really interesting in terms of accepting tantrums and recognizing that they serve a purpose.
I'm just reading this because I followed your blog from a link from the homeschooling magazine. You have described my first son almost to a T! Xander is a very strong willed child and would not do well if he were in school. He is a very intelligent, sensitive almost 7 year old who has also gotten so much better in the last year. When he has made up his mind, that is it!
Thanks for this post.
Thank you for posting this. We, too, have a firstborn son with this temperament and as Stephanie described, I sometimes can't even distinguish what sets him off. At times, I can see that it is my mindset in that moment that is not helpful, but sometimes, even if I stay even-tempered and use my *best* parenting skills, I cannot predict what will set him off and neither Brian or I know what to do anymore. So, thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. I will get this book from the library and then possibly purchase a copy.
I went to a workshop on "emotional children" with Patty Wipfler, the author of the Mothering article, when my older son was four. It changed my whole perspective on tantrums. My husband and I still quote her from time to time. Her group is now called Hand in Hand, if you're looking for it on the internet.
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